You’re Both Wrong: How Trauma and Memory Distort the Past (and Damage Co-Parenting)

Think your version of the past is the truth? Think again. Our memories — especially during conflict or trauma — are notoriously flawed. Here’s how distorted memories impact relationships, parenting, and the fight for custody.

Ever had a conversation where both people swear they remember things differently — and both are absolutely convinced they’re right? Welcome to the human brain.

The truth is, memory is not a courtroom transcript. It’s a reconstruction. A remix. And when emotions or trauma get involved, that reconstruction becomes even more fragile — and more dangerous.

🧠 Memory Is Not as Reliable as You Think

We don’t store memories like files in a cabinet. Instead, the brain rebuilds memories each time we recall them — influenced by emotion, bias, and even current beliefs.

That means every time you revisit a fight, a breakup, or a bad parenting moment — you’re likely tweaking the memory without even knowing it.

This is especially true during high-stress or traumatic moments. Cortisol (the stress hormone) literally interferes with how memories are formed and stored. Trauma can cause:

• Gaps in memory

• Overemphasis on negative details

• Blaming the wrong person or distorting intentions

• Emotional flashbacks that feel more real than the original event

  
  

💥 Why This Matters in Co-Parenting

If two parents are locked in a cycle of “I remember it this way, so I must be right,” then no one wins — especially the child.

Both parties might be holding on to stories that are:

• Incomplete

• Emotionally amplified

• Tainted by pain, betrayal, or ego

  
  

When you make parenting decisions based on distorted memories instead of present reality, you’re letting the past parent your child. And the past wasn’t built for that job.

👨‍👩‍👧 Breaking the Cycle

You don’t have to agree on what happened. But you do need to agree on this:

The child is more important than the story you’re holding onto.

Here’s what helps:

• Practice humility: maybe you didn’t see it clearly

• Lead with curiosity instead of defensiveness

• Get professional help if unresolved trauma is running the show

• Communicate through parenting apps to minimize emotional reactivity

  
  

💬 Final Thought

You’re not crazy. You’re just human. And so is your co-parent. The goal isn’t to “win” the past — it’s to be present and intentional now.

Let go of being right. Focus on being better. Because your child deserves parents who fight for them — not for their version of the story.